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Kabin’s calculation in marriage is not before

by Afonso
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It’s hard to find a couple that doesn’t fight. Again no one wants to go to counseling to resolve family disputes. So the family comes forward to solve the problem first. When it comes to marriage, the first thing that comes to mind is the cabin. In addition to themselves, the family also has different opinions. But without deciding how much money the cabin will be, it was necessary to disclose some information before the marriage.

In other words, to understand each other. For example, how much to tell the family about themselves? How much to involve the family in solving their own problems? It is important to set clear boundaries here. If not, there may be many quarrels in the family. For example, ‘Boys follow the advice of their parents’ or ‘Girls don’t listen to anyone’. So many things. Also take care, what does my partner want, and am I able to give it to him? Expecting respect from him, but what? What I give, I get back.

There are two types of families in our country. A large family, where parents, brothers and sisters are all there. Another is the nuclear family, which consists of only the couple. Any member of the family is having marital problems. In that case, as a family member, what role will you take to remove this wound? Remember, advice you’re giving from a place of love may hurt them. Maybe you are not fully aware of the problem. In this case, after a while, they may blame you instead.

In this country, two boys and girls do not get married, but two families get married. Marriage has both positive and negative effects. That is a different matter. When some parents become parents-in-law, many can’t let go of old habits when it comes to child custody. Mother thinks, what does child marriage mean? Even if the child does not want it, in many cases the parents give advice beforehand. This advice is given from their own life experience. But there are many differences between that time and now. During that period, her mother-in-law burned her. It means that wife-mother-in-law relationship will be negative. So don’t judge the present by past negative experiences.

Abuse of women is magnified, but abuse of married men is not. When the new son-in-law goes to the father-in-law’s house, we see only his warm hospitality. But what about the news that the boy can feel very helpless? I have heard many people say in professional life, even after 30 years of married life, they did this and that to me in your house. We do not forget these hardships. We blame each other in particular cases. And I keep burning inside. Another important thing here is the generation gap. Both wife and mother-in-law have to take care of that. What I have taught my child for 25 years, can another child from another house be taught in a month? It needs time. We marry children only at a certain age. I need to keep that trust in the child. He can make his family his way. Make mistakes, learn from mistakes. If I go ahead and fix it, most of the time I’ll see that the pros outweigh the cons.

We only blame each other.  Photo: Freepik

In many cases boys blame girls and girls blame boys. Family members know so much information about each other that they are like open books to each other. Some family members keep their distance. Even if there is a girlfriend-boyfriend before marriage, the relationship is not the same after marriage. The commitment of a married relationship is different. In relation to marriage, the new person is part of the family. So a space in a married relationship is needed by both the in-laws as well as by the husband and wife. The girl side has to notice, the way we see things from an emotional point of view, is it hindering the new relationship? Son’s family should see, the complaints against the new wife would have done even if it was his own daughter? Have you given the wife enough time and compassion to understand this new family?

Many times it is seen that even if something happens, one calls and takes advice from the mother. If you do, stop it today. Because you, your spouse will take the decision of your family. Not your parents or in-laws. I would like to say to the parents-in-law, when you children choose a life partner, make sure that negative feelings do not enter into them in any way. Relationships are hard to build, and even harder to maintain. However, if there is disagreement between the husband and wife, family intervention is not necessarily, but therapy is needed. You can take psychotherapy or family therapy ie take professional help. Because sometimes just mutual open discussion doesn’t lead to a solution. If I don’t have empathy instead of sympathy, open discussion will not work.

If you want to be respected, you must first be respected.  Photo: Freepik

Relationships are not a competition, but an investment. I need a life partner for myself. If you want to be good here, you have to learn how to adjust your self-respect and adapt in a word. What to do if a misunderstanding in a marital relationship negatively affects both families.
1. Come forward and talk if necessary.
2. Don’t give in to the delusion that what I think is always right.
3. Discuss calmly and openly.
4. Can’t talk when excited.
5. Try to understand each other, not by imposing your own opinion.
6. Don’t poke at the other side’s weaknesses.
7. It is better not to allow a third person to enter the marriage.

Author: Physician, Counselor Psychotherapy Practitioner, Phoenix Wellness Center Bangladeshред


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